Featured Playwright of February
Congratulations to Frank Shima, the Featured Playwright of February! Frank Shima is a member of Playwrights’ Center. A native of New Prague, Minnesota, he either entertains or annoys neighbors in Florida playing Czech music on his accordion. His plays have been performed throughout the United States in Alabama, California, Florida, Georgia, Long Island, Louisiana, Manhattan, Massachusetts, Minnesota, North Carolina, and Ohio and in England and Wales where he learned not to use unleaded gas in a diesel engine.
The Love of the Game
PHIL is in his thirties, out to have a drunken good time. GUS is in his mid-sixties - looks like he lived a hard life. BRIDGET is in her twenties, good-looking.
EDITH is any age, a serious baseball fan.
THE LOVE OF THE GAME 1
As lights come up, we see the stands at a
baseball park. A fan, GUS, is seated in his
seat, baseball cap, sunglasses, huge
headphones on his ears, listening to game.
Enjoying himself. Another fan, BRIDGET, is in the seat next to Gus. She is wearing
sunglasses and watches the game intently.
Another fan, PHIL, walks in. He is wearing
sunglasses and has a beer in one hand and a
hot dog in the other.
PHIL
(to Gus)
You’re in the wrong seat, Bud.
GUS ignores him, concentrating on the game.
PHIL lifts the headphones off Gus’s ears.
PHIL
(to Gus)
Hey, Mac. You’re in the wrong seat.
GUS puts his headphones back on.
GUS
I heard you. And I’m in the right seat. It’s the seat next to the aisle.
PHIL
NO! You’re in my seat!
GUS
I ought to know my own seat. It’s the same one I’ve been sitting in for thirty years.
PHIL
Then you’ve been sitting in the wrong seat for thirty years. You’re gonna have to move.
BRIDGET
I’ve been here every game this year. His seat is next to mine.
PHIL
Then you’re probably sitting in the wrong seat, too, Lady. Besides, who asked you?
THE LOVE OF THE GAME 2
GUS is ignoring all this, more interested in
the game.
VOICE (OS)
Down in front! Sit down!
PHIL
Here! Look at my ticket. Row 4, Seat 1. See?
GUS refuses to look.
BRIDGET
Let me see. (looking at ticket) Are you drunk? It says seat 3 – not seat 1!
PHIL
They told me it was seat 1.
BRIDGET
I guess you should have checked before raising all this ruckus.
PHIL
It ain’t my fault they told me the wrong seat number. PHIL makes his way over to seat number three.
BRIDGET
Someone was sitting there.
PHIL
Then they were in the wrong seat.
PHIL crosses in front of Bridget.
BRIDGET
Watch it! You’re spilling your beer on me!
PHIL
Hey! You’re right. I don’t wanna waste any beer. That’s for sure.
BRIDGET
THAT’S what you’re worried about?!
PHIL
Damn, Lady. Don’t come to a ball game if you can’t handle a little beer spilled on you. Just let a fan enjoy the game.
THE LOVE OF THE GAME 3
BRIDGET
Yeah, you’re a great fan. You’ve missed almost half of the game.
PHIL
So what’s been happening?
GUS
Cooper walked on four pitches. Sounded like they weren’t even close. Ground ball by Betz ended up in a 4-6-3 double play. Now Hingle is batting with a 2-2 count.
BRIDGET
That was good. How did you do that without a scorebook?
GUS
It’s easy. I used to be a catcher. After the game I could tell you what happened on every pitch to every batter the whole game.
BRIDGET
Wow!
GUS
For the whole season, too.
PHIL
It’s impossible.
GUS
Maybe. But I can do it.
PHIL
Yeah, right!
BRIDGET
(to Gus)
We’ve been sitting next to each other all year and we’ve never talked to each other. You were listening to the game and I didn’t want to disturb you. I love these games.
GUS
What do you love about it?
BRIDGET
The pitcher for one thing.
GUS
He hasn’t won a game all season.
THE LOVE OF THE GAME 4
PHIL
He hasn’t won a game! So why him? He sucks.
BRIDGET
He’s my husband.
PHIL
That explains it. (pause) Just because he looks good in a uniform.
BRIDGET
He’s got a no-hitter going.
PHIL
That won’t last.
BRIDGET
He’ll win today. He’s inspired.
PHIL
Just because you’re here to watch him.
BRIDGET
No, like I said. I’m here every game. I’ve always loved baseball. The artistry of the players. The talent. Just being able to throw a ball like that. Or to hit one that’s pitched at 95 miles per hour.
PHIL
Anybody can do that. It just takes a little practice.
BRIDGET
So why didn’t you do it?
PHIL
I had better things to do.
BRIDGET
Like drink beer?
PHIL
Like enjoying myself.
BRIDGET
So why do you come to the game?
PHIL
This is crazy. No one talks like this at a game.
THE LOVE OF THE GAME 5
BRIDGET
Come on. Humor me. What do you enjoy about the game?
PHIL
What’s not to enjoy? I’m not working. I got a cold beer in my hand. Some more beer and maybe three, four hotdogs later. Perfect.
GUS
That’s it!? What about what’s happening on the field?
PHIL
The pitcher throws the ball. Sometimes the batter swings and misses. If the batter gets lucky, he hits it. Sometimes the fielder catches it and sometimes he misses it. It’s all just luck.
GUS
(to Bridget)
Can you describe what’s going on?
BRIDGET
Sure. Kline, that’s my husband, is looking in for the sign. He’s trying to make the batter think he’s got more pitches than his fastball and slider. He knows the batter is waiting on the fastball. He decides on a pitch. Probably the slider low and away, setting him up for the fastball up and in. Sure enough. It was a slider low and away.
PHIL
You saw all that? That really IS crazy.
GUS
See, my friend. There’s more to this game than just beer and hotdogs. Most of the game goes on between pitches. Like Yogi Berra said. Ninety per cent of baseball is mental. The other half is physical.
PHIL
Yeah, that makes sense. Okay. You’re so smart, YOU tell me what’s going on out there.
GUS
The smell of freshly cut grass is in the air. The batter taps the dirt out of his cleats. The infielders are cheering for the pitcher.
PHIL
Sounds like nothing is going on.
THE LOVE OF THE GAME 6
GUS
Roberts at third yells to get the hitter with one just like the last one. The pitch comes in and slaps into the catcher’s mitt.
PHIL
Blah. Blah. Blah.
GUS
The crowd cheers along with the team on the field as the Mighty Casey has struck out.
PHIL
Casey? I thought that was Adams. (pause) Oh. Now I get it.
GUS
After the strikeout, the ball goes around the horn in a ritual as old as the game itself. It used to include the whole infield. Now it’s just third, short and second.
PHIL
You’re seeing things that ain’t there. What a waste of time.
BRIDGET
Is that what you think it is? A waste of time. Why even come out here? You could drink beer and eat hot dogs at home.
PHIL
My dad took me to games. He always told me how much he enjoyed baseball and he always had beer and hot dogs.
GUS
He sure didn’t teach you anything about the game.
EDITH, starts down the aisle. She stops and
stares at PHIL, at her ticket, at PHIL again.
EDITH
You’re in my seat!
PHIL
No, I’m not. (showing his ticket) Row 4. Seat 3. See!
EDITH
(showing her ticket to Phil)
Yes. Row 4. Seat 3. Section 10.
THE LOVE OF THE GAME 7
PHIL
So is mine. Row 4. Seat 3. Oh, hell. Section 19. Hey, it’s not my fault. They told me Section 10.
PHIL moves over one seat. EDITH takes her
seat.
BRIDGET
Now maybe I can enjoy the game.
PHIL
And now maybe I can enjoy my beer.
BRIDGET points out to the scoreboard screen.
BRIDGET
Oh, look. It’s Kiss Cam!
EDITH
God, I hate Kiss Cam.
BRIDGET
Well, you’re on it. (pointing to PHIL) With him!
EDITH
I am definitely NOT kissing him.
BRIDGET
Listen. The crowd is cheering for a kiss.
PHIL
They ain’t going to stop until we kiss, Baby.
EDITH
Don’t even think about it.
PHIL tries to kiss on EDITH’s cheek, who
moves to avoid the kiss. PHIL tries again.
She moves farther away. The crowd BOOS.
EDITH
God, I REALLY hate Kiss Cam.
PHIL
I LOVE Kiss Cam.
EDITH
(to Bridget)
And I would LOVE to magically make someone disappear.
THE LOVE OF THE GAME 8
The LIGHTS dim slightly as the start of Take
Me Out to the Ball Game is heard, then fades. The lights come back up.
PHIL
I can’t believe it’s the bottom of the ninth already. Usually the game takes forever. (pause) Oh, they’re doing the wave!
PHIL rises to do the wave. He is the only one of the four to stand and sit. And stand and
sit.
PHIL
God, I really LOVE the Wave.
EDITH
God, I REALLY hate the Wave.
BRIDGET
Me, too. My husband still has a no-hitter going. And they’re doing the wave!?
PHIL
No-hitter. What’s the big deal? It’s not like it’s never been done before.
BRIDGET
He’s never done it before.
PHIL
That’s right. You said he hasn’t even won a game yet this year. He’s just been lucky today.
BRIDGET
He’s inspired today. We just found out we’re going to have our first baby.
EDITH
Congratulations! (to Phil) And don’t you say ‘it’s not like it’s never been done before.’
BRIDGET
He said he was going to win one for our son.
GUS
He’s got a three and two count on the batter. Don’t give him anything good. He grounded to short last time. Give him that change up outside again. (pause) Here’s the pitch.
THE LOVE OF THE GAME 9
BRIDGET
Ground ball to short. (pause) Easy throw to first. One out!
EDITH
He just might do it!
PHIL
It ain’t over yet. He still needs two more outs.
BRIDGET
Strike one!
PHIL
He didn’t even swing.
BRIDGET
Strike two!
PHIL
Again, he didn’t swing. What’s up with that?
BRIDGET
Strike three!
PHIL
Three pitches and he didn’t swing at any of them. It looks like they are just giving the no-hitter to him.
EDITH
What’s the matter with you. Shut up!
BRIDGET
Two outs. One more to go.
PHIL
Not so fast. Their best hitter is up.
BRIDGET, GUS, EDITH
Shut up!
Now they are all standing.
EDITH
Here’s the first pitch.
BRIDGET
Come on, Hon!
THE LOVE OF THE GAME 10
EDITH
It’s a fly ball to deep center.
PHIL
I told you so. It’s going to be a home run. HAH! There goes his no-hitter!
BRIDGET, GUS, EDITH
Shut up!
EDITH
Wait! Look! The centerfielder caught it reaching over the fence.
GUS
It’s a no-hitter!
They all jump up and down, cheering.
PHIL
That was the best game ever!
BRIDGET
Do you realize you had only that one beer?
EDITH
And only one hot dog.
PHIL
Hey, that’s right. I got so caught up in the game I forgot.
BRIDGET, EDITH, and PHIL start to make their
way past GUS who sits down.
PHIL
(to Gus)
Wow! A no-hitter. I can’t believe I saw a no-hitter. (pause) Hey. The game’s over. Aren’t you leaving?
GUS
Go on ahead. I’ll be right behind you.
GUS waits until the others make their way OFF STAGE. GUS reaches down and finds his
collapsible white cane. He snaps it open. He
stands and slowly taps his way OFF STAGE.
CURTAIN
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